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Welcome to the Barge! Either you have some vague idea of what that means or you don’t. This helpful pamphlet is meant for you, however much you know. The friendly greeting is also probably meant for you but that’s more open to interpretation. For your convenience, it is split into some of the most common questions you may have.
Who am I and Why am I here?
That’s a question that plagues us all. Especially those of us with amnesia, identity issues or just bad memory retention. There have been many answers over the years. I’m pretty sure it was Plato – or perhaps Socrates, but definitely some Ancient Greek person – who argued that this question, like all others can be found by looking within yourself; ridding yourself of outside influences to achieve the understanding at everything that lies within. I’ve never been a big follower of that school of thought, but then, I avoid philosophy on principle.
Anyway, I don’t know your name (yet, probably) but I can still assign you to one of two broad categories because sometimes it seems that all groups can and will be broken down into broad categories. Specifically, you’re a warden or an inmate. You may not be sure which of these categories you fall into, here’s a quick way to find out:
1. Do you have vague memories of meeting a person who, at the time, looked normal enough and trustworthy enough to believe that they would grant you an unlimited wish in return for ‘graduating’ an inmate?
2. Do you have a sneaking suspicion you may have been killed and/or been on the verge of death and also don’t have memories of being told anything?
If you answered one, you’re a warden. If you answered two, you’re probably an inmate or a warden who has some sort of memory issue.
Your presence on this ship is both easier and harder to answer to answer. It’s easy because the ultimate answer is that some sort of amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being wanted you. It’s hard because that’s not really the sort of answer people like so there’s some other little details. If you’re a warden, some amount of desperation prompted you to take the offer. Or it sounded interesting. If you’re an inmate, you’re here to find redemption.
What do you mean? I haven’t done anything that requires redemption.
Go back a second and read the preceding paragraph’s opening line. The one that mentions the ‘amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being’. You might not think you require redemption, no one else might think you require redemption, you might not believe in the concept of redemption – that only matters on personal level. There’s unlimited dimensions, there’s no way of telling what the Admiral’s ‘morality’ might consist of. Have fun trying to figure it out!
Over time you might come to realize that you did require redemption. This may be because of personal growth or it could be a sign of Stockholm syndrome brainwashing. Either way, it can offer plenty of hours of (some might say) slightly repetitive debate. On the other hand, turnover rate is pretty quick so it’s probably new to someone.
So, where is ‘here’ and what’s it like?
I’m glad you asked that question. ‘Here’ is the barge; it is a prison ship that flies through space, generally. Of course, that could all be a misconception but that’s life, and/or death. For the purposes of this pamphlet, we’ll be taking it at face value. So, it’s a ship. It’s pretty big. It’s not that big (for more on this, go to the bottom and look under A few more quick answers). If you’re a warden, you can get anywhere. If you’re an inmate…you can probably get anywhere if you ask the right person. Note, sabotage may relieve some feelings but is ultimately pointless.
I won’t go into too many details about all the wonders the ship has to offer. After all, you may be stuck here for a while and there’s nothing like exploring a new place. It can relieve boredom for minutes at a time. But I’d be failing my duty if I didn’t share some important notes.
• You will be given a cabin. Sometimes it will be terrible. The question of whether this is because the Admiral’s a bastard or just incompetent is another one that can fill up many of those empty hours. You can have it changed, either by asking the Admiral directly if you’re a warden or by asking a warden. If you feel uncomfortable asking for things, there are empty cabins. Other people may also be using those empty cabins. Any problems that result are your own business and no blame can be laid on this pamphlet.
• There is food. It is pretty good, generally. This is as defined by beings that can consume food meant for humans. Those of you with other dietary requirements (blood, unicorn tears, mock turtle eggs) will be taken care of but I can’t vouch for the quality. People work in the kitchens to produce some of this food. A thank you or other sign of appreciation probably wouldn’t be objected to, there’s no need to be rude.
• There’s an infirmary. There’s a chance you’ll need it at some point (for more on this look under What the fuck was that?). Considering the turnover rate, no solid statements can be made about the staff. They’re likely to be competent enough in certain areas and probably don’t take any special joy in hurting people. No assurances can be made.
• There are places you might enjoy yourself. I can’t say what those might be, I don’t know you. The library is very impressive, there’s a card catalog. There are issues with said catalog but I have chosen to delete my several paragraph long digression on the nature of the library. I am willing to deliver it in person, on request.
What the fuck was that?
Shit happens. Really annoying people have a tendency to say this, often as a way to get out of either taking responsibility or giving an actual helpful explanation. I can’t promise I have a helpful explanation but that’s never stopped me from trying before. The barge is a ship, though unusual in many ways, it experiences many of the same things that an ordinary, incredibly shoddy and badly steered ship does.
There are floods, where you might be turned into a tree or be forced to speak only in lies or be replaced by an alternate dimension version of yourself who’s a superhero (those of you who are already superheroes will be replaced by versions of yourself who sell insurance). They don’t effect everybody and they don’t necessary effect the same people each time.
There are breaches, where you became part of a different dimension (or at least believe that’s what happened). Usually terrible things happen. Sadly, for people who want to try to figure out how this place works, that’s equally good proof for us actually being in a different dimension or for us being put into some sort of shared dream by the Admiral.
There are ports. Sometimes these are nice. Sometimes these aren’t. Sometimes you become someone else.
All of these effect (or don’t effect) inmates and wardens equally.
Sometimes, because of these effects or because some other reason, you die. Then you come back. Death isn’t permanent on the barge; you just feel terrible for a week or so. This is good and bad news. Good news for people who prefer being alive, bad news for people who contemplate the fact they could be killed over and over with no escape and/or people who like killing as a way of permanently getting rid of someone. Repeated for emphasis: people don’t die permanently. Please keep this is mind when issuing threats. Failure to do so may lead to embarrassment.
How do I escape/leave?
Yet another question that is more enjoyable to figure out for yourself. But for people who don’t appreciate the joy of research, a quick rundown. If you’re an inmate the only way to leave for sure is to ‘graduate’. There are arguments about what this means. There is no clear, straightforward answer. Have fun with that.
To help you ‘graduate’ you will be paired with a permanent warden who will be given a file detailing your entire life. Until then, you’ll be given a temporary warden every month who is given nothing except the joy of getting an excuse to talk to you.
A few more quick answers.
Q. Is it normal to get struck by an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia mixed with a vague, unsettled horror at being surrounded by the vastness of space?
A. Yes, falling to the floor and letting out a primal scream is generally considered slightly melodramatic, though.
Q. What's this Earth place people keep talking about?
A. You have my sympathy.
Q. What about that thing where people disappear or fall into comas about?
A. If you're asking that question, you're already beyond introductory materials.
Q. I’ve run into people who I thought were just fictional characters in my universe, what should I do?
A. It’s depends on whether you want to be a dick or not.
Q. Are there cells?
A. Yes, they’re a little embarrassing. You even get to keep your communicator.
Q. Do you have any ‘little thoughts’ to share about the communicators?
A. There’s a special warden only filter. They probably don’t use it to talk about the inmates but they could.
Q. This seems to be directed a lot more for inmates than to wardens.
A. I’m not sure that technique counts as a question but I’ll imagine a questioning tone of voice. And you are correct. That’s because I’m not invited to the secret warden conferences and so can’t speak fully for them. Not that I’m say there are secret warden conferences but there could be. (Note to why I suspect there are not: more wardens would appear to have recently gotten into a physical fight)
Q. Was this supposed to be helpful?
A. Yes, and it succeeded admirably. I accept your thanks with the grace and modesty I’m known for,
Who am I and Why am I here?
That’s a question that plagues us all. Especially those of us with amnesia, identity issues or just bad memory retention. There have been many answers over the years. I’m pretty sure it was Plato – or perhaps Socrates, but definitely some Ancient Greek person – who argued that this question, like all others can be found by looking within yourself; ridding yourself of outside influences to achieve the understanding at everything that lies within. I’ve never been a big follower of that school of thought, but then, I avoid philosophy on principle.
Anyway, I don’t know your name (yet, probably) but I can still assign you to one of two broad categories because sometimes it seems that all groups can and will be broken down into broad categories. Specifically, you’re a warden or an inmate. You may not be sure which of these categories you fall into, here’s a quick way to find out:
1. Do you have vague memories of meeting a person who, at the time, looked normal enough and trustworthy enough to believe that they would grant you an unlimited wish in return for ‘graduating’ an inmate?
2. Do you have a sneaking suspicion you may have been killed and/or been on the verge of death and also don’t have memories of being told anything?
If you answered one, you’re a warden. If you answered two, you’re probably an inmate or a warden who has some sort of memory issue.
Your presence on this ship is both easier and harder to answer to answer. It’s easy because the ultimate answer is that some sort of amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being wanted you. It’s hard because that’s not really the sort of answer people like so there’s some other little details. If you’re a warden, some amount of desperation prompted you to take the offer. Or it sounded interesting. If you’re an inmate, you’re here to find redemption.
What do you mean? I haven’t done anything that requires redemption.
Go back a second and read the preceding paragraph’s opening line. The one that mentions the ‘amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being’. You might not think you require redemption, no one else might think you require redemption, you might not believe in the concept of redemption – that only matters on personal level. There’s unlimited dimensions, there’s no way of telling what the Admiral’s ‘morality’ might consist of. Have fun trying to figure it out!
Over time you might come to realize that you did require redemption. This may be because of personal growth or it could be a sign of Stockholm syndrome brainwashing. Either way, it can offer plenty of hours of (some might say) slightly repetitive debate. On the other hand, turnover rate is pretty quick so it’s probably new to someone.
So, where is ‘here’ and what’s it like?
I’m glad you asked that question. ‘Here’ is the barge; it is a prison ship that flies through space, generally. Of course, that could all be a misconception but that’s life, and/or death. For the purposes of this pamphlet, we’ll be taking it at face value. So, it’s a ship. It’s pretty big. It’s not that big (for more on this, go to the bottom and look under A few more quick answers). If you’re a warden, you can get anywhere. If you’re an inmate…you can probably get anywhere if you ask the right person. Note, sabotage may relieve some feelings but is ultimately pointless.
I won’t go into too many details about all the wonders the ship has to offer. After all, you may be stuck here for a while and there’s nothing like exploring a new place. It can relieve boredom for minutes at a time. But I’d be failing my duty if I didn’t share some important notes.
• You will be given a cabin. Sometimes it will be terrible. The question of whether this is because the Admiral’s a bastard or just incompetent is another one that can fill up many of those empty hours. You can have it changed, either by asking the Admiral directly if you’re a warden or by asking a warden. If you feel uncomfortable asking for things, there are empty cabins. Other people may also be using those empty cabins. Any problems that result are your own business and no blame can be laid on this pamphlet.
• There is food. It is pretty good, generally. This is as defined by beings that can consume food meant for humans. Those of you with other dietary requirements (blood, unicorn tears, mock turtle eggs) will be taken care of but I can’t vouch for the quality. People work in the kitchens to produce some of this food. A thank you or other sign of appreciation probably wouldn’t be objected to, there’s no need to be rude.
• There’s an infirmary. There’s a chance you’ll need it at some point (for more on this look under What the fuck was that?). Considering the turnover rate, no solid statements can be made about the staff. They’re likely to be competent enough in certain areas and probably don’t take any special joy in hurting people. No assurances can be made.
• There are places you might enjoy yourself. I can’t say what those might be, I don’t know you. The library is very impressive, there’s a card catalog. There are issues with said catalog but I have chosen to delete my several paragraph long digression on the nature of the library. I am willing to deliver it in person, on request.
What the fuck was that?
Shit happens. Really annoying people have a tendency to say this, often as a way to get out of either taking responsibility or giving an actual helpful explanation. I can’t promise I have a helpful explanation but that’s never stopped me from trying before. The barge is a ship, though unusual in many ways, it experiences many of the same things that an ordinary, incredibly shoddy and badly steered ship does.
There are floods, where you might be turned into a tree or be forced to speak only in lies or be replaced by an alternate dimension version of yourself who’s a superhero (those of you who are already superheroes will be replaced by versions of yourself who sell insurance). They don’t effect everybody and they don’t necessary effect the same people each time.
There are breaches, where you became part of a different dimension (or at least believe that’s what happened). Usually terrible things happen. Sadly, for people who want to try to figure out how this place works, that’s equally good proof for us actually being in a different dimension or for us being put into some sort of shared dream by the Admiral.
There are ports. Sometimes these are nice. Sometimes these aren’t. Sometimes you become someone else.
All of these effect (or don’t effect) inmates and wardens equally.
Sometimes, because of these effects or because some other reason, you die. Then you come back. Death isn’t permanent on the barge; you just feel terrible for a week or so. This is good and bad news. Good news for people who prefer being alive, bad news for people who contemplate the fact they could be killed over and over with no escape and/or people who like killing as a way of permanently getting rid of someone. Repeated for emphasis: people don’t die permanently. Please keep this is mind when issuing threats. Failure to do so may lead to embarrassment.
How do I escape/leave?
Yet another question that is more enjoyable to figure out for yourself. But for people who don’t appreciate the joy of research, a quick rundown. If you’re an inmate the only way to leave for sure is to ‘graduate’. There are arguments about what this means. There is no clear, straightforward answer. Have fun with that.
To help you ‘graduate’ you will be paired with a permanent warden who will be given a file detailing your entire life. Until then, you’ll be given a temporary warden every month who is given nothing except the joy of getting an excuse to talk to you.
A few more quick answers.
Q. Is it normal to get struck by an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia mixed with a vague, unsettled horror at being surrounded by the vastness of space?
A. Yes, falling to the floor and letting out a primal scream is generally considered slightly melodramatic, though.
Q. What's this Earth place people keep talking about?
A. You have my sympathy.
Q. What about that thing where people disappear or fall into comas about?
A. If you're asking that question, you're already beyond introductory materials.
Q. I’ve run into people who I thought were just fictional characters in my universe, what should I do?
A. It’s depends on whether you want to be a dick or not.
Q. Are there cells?
A. Yes, they’re a little embarrassing. You even get to keep your communicator.
Q. Do you have any ‘little thoughts’ to share about the communicators?
A. There’s a special warden only filter. They probably don’t use it to talk about the inmates but they could.
Q. This seems to be directed a lot more for inmates than to wardens.
A. I’m not sure that technique counts as a question but I’ll imagine a questioning tone of voice. And you are correct. That’s because I’m not invited to the secret warden conferences and so can’t speak fully for them. Not that I’m say there are secret warden conferences but there could be. (Note to why I suspect there are not: more wardens would appear to have recently gotten into a physical fight)
Q. Was this supposed to be helpful?
A. Yes, and it succeeded admirably. I accept your thanks with the grace and modesty I’m known for,
Erskine Ravel
